Ep. 15: Who’s on Top & Why It Matters: Rethinking Christian Sex Advice (with Sheila Wray Gregoire)
Show Notes
Episode Summary
If what U.S. evangelicalism teaches about sex before marriage (i.e. purity culture) is harmful, is it any surprise that what it teaches about sex after marriage is just as damaging? When Sheila Wray Gregoire, popular blogger and author, set out to survey 20,000 Christian wives about their sex lives, she had no idea all the bombshells her research would uncover. We sat down to chat with her about her findings, detailed in her new book The Great Sex Rescue, and how theology is at the heart of the problem.
Bio
Sheila Wray Gregoire is passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex! A popular speaker, marriage blogger, and award-winning author of nine books, including The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You Were Taught and How to Recover What God Intended, she wants to challenge Christians to go beyond pat answers on marriage to reach real intimacy. Sheila believes in authenticity and gives real solutions to the very real and messy problems women, and couples, can face. She and her husband Keith spend a lot of their time speaking at marriage conferences, hiking, and birdwatching. You can usually find her in Belleville, Ontario, where she’s either knitting, blogging, or taking her grandson for a walk.
Follow Sheila on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook.
Quotables
“If we’re going to defeat lust, guys need to choose to truly see who a woman is, not just try to avoid her.” (tweet this)
“If you are in a community where it is widely taught that lust is every man’s battle, you’re going to end up not trusting the men in your life.” (tweet this)
“The lust message doesn’t just hurt women; it also hurts men and heaps so much shame on them.” (tweet this)
“The ‘obligation sex’ message, as we called it, has almost the same effect on your body as abuse and/or trauma does.” (tweet this)
“Both abuse and the ‘obligation sex’ message say to you that you don’t matter, that someone else has the right to use your body however they want, without your consent.” (tweet this)
“The verses usually used to justify a woman’s sexual duty to her husband (1 Cor. 7:3-5) are actually a picture of complete mutuality.” (tweet this)
“Sex can’t make up for a bad marriage. So just because you’re having a lot of sex doesn’t mean you have high marital satisfaction. But high marital satisfaction tends to result in better sex.” (tweet this)
“When we don’t give women the ability to say no, then we also aren’t giving them the ability to say yes.” (tweet this)
“Get rid of any idea that he is entitled to sex, because usually entitlement is paired with a threat to her, either because God will be mad at her OR her husband will watch porn or have an affair or lust.” (tweet this)
“Taking it out of the realm of doctrine and putting it into data can be a really good way of making a difference.” (tweet this)
Timestamps and References
[02:15]—Why Sheila wrote decided to write a book called The Great Sex Rescue
[04:08]—What Sheila and her co-authors measured in their survey of 20,000 Christian women and some of the toxic beliefs about sex that it revealed
[06:45]—Some of the Christian sex and marriage books that promote harmful ideas about lust
[09:50]—How lust is different from attraction
[12:35]—What is lust? How “bouncing your eyes” actually objectifies women
[14:30]—Why they chose to survey 20,000 women
[16:30]—Vaginismus and its prevalence among evangelical women
[17:42]—The causes of vaginismus as revealed by Sheila’s survey
[20:40]—1 Corinthians 7:3-5; how it’s used to justify the “obligation sex message”
[22:44]—How our definition of sex is the core of the matter
[25:35]—Why sex is an all-day affair
[27:51]—Why sex is not just about a man’s “physical release” or “meeting his needs”
[30:49]—Why so many Christian sex books tell women not to go too long between sexual encounters with their husbands
[33:21]—How Christian sex books often excuse marital rape
[35:56]—How these Christian authors have responded to Sheila’s research and book
[39:22]—The “72-Hour Rule” and its origin
[45:03]—The secrets to a great sex life as revealed by Sheila’s survey
[48:00]—What gives Sheila hope for the future of sex in Christianity
[52:10]—Rapid Fire questions
Note: Please refer to Sheila’s book for all citations of quotations mentioned in this interview.
Please follow us on social media and help us get the word out! (Also use any of these channels or email to contact us with any questions, concerns, or feedback!)
Support Us on Patreon!
Help us keep the lights on! Your financial support gives us the time we need to be able to create and produce episodes. Please consider joining our team of patrons by clicking the button below. Thank you!
Credits
This episode was produced by The Sophia Society. Music is by Faith in Foxholes, and sound engineering is by Joshua Mudge.
